The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I didn't notice because vodka
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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