I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
