mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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