Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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