K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
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