I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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