I never want to see another naked old woman again.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
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