It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
