i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
