I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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