i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
