tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
