when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
