I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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