Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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