I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
