You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
