Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
