just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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