They should really pass out barf bags in church
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
