we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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