I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
