Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Fuck appropriateness.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
