My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Randomize
