Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
