I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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