Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
