Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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