do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Randomize
