Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
