how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I know her cup size but not her name....
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