i'm lost and i look like a hooker
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
