Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
