dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
