go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I need to align my fucking chakras
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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