Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
