i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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