we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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