i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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