My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
