im six kinds of drunk right now
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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