Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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