if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
