I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
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