i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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