i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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