'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
