I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
