I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i drank out of a bidet.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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