theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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