Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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