I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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