woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
