love makes seman taste better
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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