I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
