so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
