When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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