I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
