i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
organizing the empties. That sober.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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