I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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