The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Hippo gnu deer
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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