When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
