Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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