I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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